A NIGERIAN'S DEATH
IN A CALIFORNIA APARTMENT
Ozodi Thomas Osuji
My strange friend, Dr. Michael Ozurumba
died in November. He was probably over 72 years old. He was not married and did
not have children. I knew him for thirty one years (1981-2012). Throughout that
time we talked about his wish to get married and I kept asking him to marry one
of the girl friends he talked about but he kept saying that he had not found a
suitable one. Well, he is now dead without finding a perfect wife. He, of
course, did not have to marry for no one required him to be married but the
fact is that if he wanted to be married he had to marry an imperfect woman, as
he himself was imperfect, for no human being is ever perfect. To wait until one
finds a perfect match before one marries is a wish of the wisp.
The man was extremely unrealistic
(Immature). Here he was, an old man, and he was looking for a woman in her
twenties to marry! What young woman would marry an old man (he said that he
wanted to have children hence was looking for younger women, but why didn’t he
marry one when he was in his twenties as many of us did). He would ask younger
women out for date and they would take him to the cleaners, take whatever little
money he had and shine him off.
He said that he had sex with some older
women in their fifties and would talk about how old they are (he called them
Kanda, old meat, dried vagina and would go on and on how he did not like their
old, dry vagina that needed lubricants to make it smooth to have sex with them). It was foolish for him to make such
statements for he was older than the women he called old.
(Come to think about it, he talked a
lot about sex; I got to know all about his sexual escapades in Nigeria and
wherever he lived in the USA. The man cracked me up with his talk of “vagina
mappingâ€â€¦having women spread their little pleasure-boxes as he examined their
anatomy, and he did this to women from the various races to find out if there were
any differences in their physiology and anatomy…after I had had my laughter I
would put on my psychoanalytic hat and speculate on why he did what he did…he
was probably trying to know where he came from, his mother’s vagina, his route
of entry into the world, it was some
kind of primitive philosophical inquiry as to where human beings came from;
peoples quest to understand where they came from can take them to weird
behaviors….the man had a good sense of humor and made me laugh until I cried.)
The man deluded himself and kept telling
people lie about his age. I asked him how old he was and he would not tell me.
But he had told me that he started elementary school in 1947. In the Africa of his
time folks did not enter elementary school before age seven so he was probably
born in 1940. From the bits of
information he gave about when he started schooling, the fact that he went to
secondary school in the 1950s (he said that he attended Government College,
Umuahia) and was teaching at a secondary school in the early 1960s (he said
that he taught at Asa Grammar School, Aba) one could guess that he was an old
man even though he felt that he was deceiving folks by not talking about his
age.
Interestingly, he always asked folks about
their age; he asked me and I told him the exact date I was born at Massey Maternity
Hospital, Lagos in the 1950s and thereafter he would preface his comments by
reminding me of my age, forgetting that he had not told me about his age and
the fact that he was way older than I. This man lived in the world of fantasy
(he had loads of self-deception…such as talking about marrying and having
children… at his advanced age!).
He lived by himself and did not have
much to do with other people. He kept to himself, not depending on other people
for help and not helping other people.
I
came to Los Angeles and was there for two years before I returned to Alaska
this fall and he did not come to see me. He kept giving me excuses that his car
(he emphasized that it is a Jaguar…perhaps, to impress me with his wealth?) was
broken down. It was obvious that if he wanted to see me he could have taken the
bus. The fact that he had not seen me in decades was enough reason for him to
want to see me.
(Come to think of it, a few years ago
my daughter was toying with the movie industry and was in the Los Angeles are
and I gave Mike her address and asked him to go see her but he never did go see
her! They say that one should not malign the dead but I must observe that the
man was weird; if I was very proud and easily felt slighted I would have felt
so because he did not go see my daughter,
a girl he was around when she was
born at UCLA medical center; additionally, I could have felt offended that he
did not come to see me when I came to the Los Angeles area, I lived at Long
Beach…I analyzed why he did not come to
see me; I felt that he felt ashamed of what he looked like and did not want me
to see him in his decrepit old age; he knew me when I was an exercise freak,
when I was at UCLA I used to run several miles every other day with my then
friend, Dipo; I did not permit an extra
pound of flesh on me, and he probably felt that I would be disgusted by his
aging, flabby body; he was saving face? )
Since I came from out of state he could
have invited me to his house. Before I left the LA area I tracked him down in
August, just to see what he looked like before I left town. He looked old, run
down and dilapidated; I suspected that he was about ready to expire, to kick
the bucket.
More importantly, I suspected that he did not want
other people to see him. He probably felt that he was a failure and that if
people came close to him they would see that he had not accomplished much and
would not like it. Thus, he did not
invite any one to his place, the apartment he lived at for over thirty two
years!
What was probably going on was that he
had a big ego that demanded success and that drove him to work hard. He
obtained PhD from UCLA. But that big ego did not want to take marching orders
from other people so he did not seek out professional work and did night work in
a hospital (a job I gave him…while at graduate school at UCLA I worked at a
psychiatric hospital and employed some Nigerians there) and in the day time did
his own business. Apparently, he was doing so until he was sixty five and
retired and lived on social security income, which was not much, hence he was
poor in his old age.
He did not want anyone to know that he
was poor and presented himself to people, over the phone (for he did not allow
life people to see him) as a very important person when in fact he was probably
barely able to pay his rent.
The man had not gone home to Africa
since he came to the USA in 1975. I used to wonder why. Obviously, he made
enough money to afford transportation to Africa so why didn’t he go visit his
folks before they died? Why didn’t he go
get married there?
I suspect that he was waiting until he
was rich before he went home to go show off his wealth and since he never did
become rich he was ashamed to go show his (supposed poor) face to his Ngwa
(Aba) people.
The man posited a big ego self and was
defending it. To protect that big ego self he did not enter work teams and competed
for social rewards. He kept to himself, not participating in social life. He
lived to protect his imaginary big ego self.
He was probably afraid of failure and
that fear led him not to join social groups and compete in them. By keeping to himself
he managed to retain an empty big self. In social withdrawal he maintained his cherished
but false grandiose self.
The protection of his big ego self-led
him to fend for himself and not depend on other people and then he told himself
that since he was not fed by other people that he does not have to feed other
people hence he did not reach out to help those in need around him.
I once asked him why he did not get
himself involved with Africans in Los Angeles, and helped the needy among them
and he said:
“onwere onye na esun nriâ€â€¦
Does anybody feed me, so why
should he feed any one…
This is typical Igbo bush
thinking, the justification for their decision not to help other people but
instead take from other people; they call it:
“ Ima ako; Inwe ako na ucheâ€,
(to be wise…Igbo wayo)
In my book to be
idiotic…giving is receiving; if you give help to other people other people will
help you and if you refuse to help other people nobody will help you…come to
think of it I gave this old boy the only real job he did in America but he did
not consider it worthwhile to come see me when I came to the LA area. I have
always believed that Igbos are fools, although they think that they are smart
and wise; they are takers and not givers.
He
lived a self-centered life and died a lonely man (in his apartment and
neighbors had to discover his body and call the police to have it carted to a
morgue). No Igbo man knew about his death until I called from Alaska to find out how he was doing and
the phone was disconnected and I called a friend (Amauche Ude) to go to his
place and find out how he is doing (he discovered that he was dead).
I
believe that Mike died because he had no purpose he was living for, a purpose
that transcended his ego. He lived to nurse and protect his desired big ego.
It is true that all of us are living to
protect our egos but if one can manage to have a social ego that cares for
other egos and work for their betterment one tends to have ego reason for
living. But this man did not work for his children’s good, for he did not have
children, or for his peoples good for he did not identify with them; he
separated from people and simply lived only for his self.
He lived for himself, lived alone and
died alone; as we sow we reap; this is the justice of God!
PERSONALITY AND
FATE
Experience has taught me that the
individual’s personality was formed during the first five years of his life. A
child is born and his body interacts with his world and forms a personality.
Biology plays, at least, 90% role in the formation of personality, with social
experience responsible for the other 10%.
Something in the child, call it
consciousness, mind, soul, call it what you want, uses the child’s inherited
body and received social experience to construct a personality for him. Once
constructed the child believes that his personality is who he is and defends
it.
Mike’s personality was formed during the first
five years of his life. Given his inherited biological constitution and his
pathological Igbo culture…Igbo culture is self-centered hence is pathological,
sick…; he constructed an egotistical self-concept (personality). He had been
egotistical and driven to attain a big self since he was five years old.
The relevant point is to realize that
he should not be blamed; he is merely to be studied and understood. In many
ways he was a victim of his body, warped Igbo culture and personality and could
not change it.
None of us can completely change his
personality. What I can do is learn from
his obvious weird personality (his not relating to people and keeping away from
people to nurse his big self) and see how it operates in me and struggle to
make changes in my own personality and live with what cannot be changed (no one
can change his entire personality for most of it is formed by body and no one
can change his entire body yet). Do not
blame people for their personalities, good or bad, just learn from them.
Science is not in the business of
blaming people; science studies what is and learns from it and designs a
technology to deal with that reality.
The human personality can be understood
and technology designed to make the most of it, but change it entirely is
impossible.
Science does not judge people as good or
bad but study them as they are. Mike was not good or bad, he was who he was and
my function is to understand him and learn from him and his obviously stunted
personality.
MIKE AND IGBO EGO CENTRICISM
Mike was Igbo; Igbo egos are strictly
individualistic. The average Igbo is totally egoistic; in his youth the Igbo
strives to succeed and generally is ambitious and succeeds in the egos world. In
this light, Mike struggled and earned a doctorate degree from a first rate
university.
By the time it hits sixty hence enter
old age the ego is no longer able to motivate Igbos for unless the ego can
expand itself and serve public good, become social ego, the ego no longer gives
sixty something year old Igbos motivation to work hard. Still clinging to their
primitive egos they feel deflated and lose interest in living and die. Thus,
most of them die in their sixties and early seventies.
Mike had Igbo ego that made him work
hard and succeed as an individual; unfortunately, his Igbo ego did not tell him
to work for social interest hence he withdrew from society instead of seeking
ways to get involved with people (ask how they are doing…from Alaska I wanted
to know how he is doing and when his phone was not picked up called many Igbos
in the LA area to go check on him hence discovered that he was dead and nobody
knew it!).
This man, like many of his people lived only
for his ego, not bothering with other people or seeking ways to help them (like
my father and mother, I am always the one looking after other people’s
interests, giving them jobs, for given my capabilities and domineering
personality I usually rise to the top of any work organization I enter and thus
able to hire people).
I help Igbo people and cannot recall any of
them helping me! The only thing I remember from them is them calling me abusive
names just because my liberal bleeding heart cannot stand by as they court
danger by insulting their Nigerian neighbors; I insist on correcting their tendency
to insult their neighbors, incurring their anger and attack.
I could choose to overlook their behaviors and let them be
killed by their neighbors; why should I care whether they lived or died; what
are they living for, anyway; living to abuse people; they have contributed
nothing to science and therefore their lives are really unproductive and their
death is like the death of nonentities.
The world cares for productive people,
such as Jews, Englishmen, Frenchmen, Germans, white Americans, Japanese etc.; when those die the rest of the
world mourn them; who mourns unproductive Africans; Africans are literally
useless; they live to make other people feel guilty at their suffering hence
help them out.
The world is tired of feeling guilty
from looking at suffering Africans, especially now that they know that they
brought that suffering to themselves by their thievish behaviors and inability
to govern themselves properly.
Africans, Igbos included, death is
irrelevant to the rest of the world and I could choose not to bother with them
and say let them kill themselves, what do I care? They should mean nothing to
me.
Alas, my liberal bleeding heart always
seeks out ways to help Africans (and they are always ripping me off, calling me
a fool for giving them jobs and financial help…I cannot count how many times I
sent books to Mike to read, how many times I asked him to send to me his hand
written papers and I typed them for him or had my secretary type them for him…
the man refused to learn to type, as African big men do not type…he paid
typists to type the papers he wrote and I did not like that he was spending money
on typing services and often volunteered to type for him, I type very fast,
over eighty words a minute, so typing is not a big deal for me…at no time did
the man volunteer to do anything for me…his Igbo sense of taking from others
and not giving to others at work, no doubt).
Mike had Igbo pride; in fact, he
was a slave to pride. Everything he did was to maintain the ego face of
importance and prestige. It was actually
the defense of pride that led him to cut off from other people or to relate to
them from emotional detachment lest his pride is hurt. The man lived to protect
his pride, ego and vanity.
Pride and ego are the opposite of love
and as long as he defended pride and ego he could not love his true self and
other people.
Now, see how he died, very miserably,
alone in his apartment, not surrounded by loved ones; his body was carted away
to a public morgue and from there, if not claimed by his people, nobody would
probably do so, it would be cremated and the ashes scattered to the four winds
and no one would know where he is buried.
I used to encourage him to write books on
Igbo culture, a culture he seems to understand and he kept saying that he would
do so when he has the time to do so. He
did not. Since he did not write any books no one would even remember that he
lived; he is now gone and for all intents and purposes did not live, for our existence
are in other people’s memories; since he refused to reach out to people’s lives
no one would remember his existence; he did not exist!
Like his Igbo ancestors he lived and died
and there is no evidence that he/they lived, he did not leave any legacy/landmark
to tell the rest of the world that he/they ever lived; we do not know anything
about the Igbo past a hundred years ago, a pity.
Mike is a lesson in what pride and our
pursuit of egoism does to people. Love for one’s self, for other people and God
is the only worthwhile thing that we can do with our lives on earth.
Spiritualized persons who have
transcended the ego and serve public good can live long (120 years is the
maximum age we can live in body); they know that they are not body and not ego
and do not fear death and can die at any time. Generally, they die when they
have completed the work they came to this world to do and die peacefully.
I will die peacefully when I am done
doing what I came to the earth to do (understand human psychology and lived
egolessly, lovingly). Actually, I am already dead to the ego and body for I
know that I am not the ego and body and do not fear death.
LESSON FOR ME
The reason I was drawn to Mike was
because in many ways he reminds me of aspects of me. We are in many ways alike
so I could learn from him.
People meet for a purpose so there must
have been a purpose in my meeting Mike, a man, at least, fifteen years older
than me. We met in 1981 when I was a graduate student at UCLA. I used to write
columns for the student newspaper (UCLA Daily Bruin). He read one of my
articles and called me. I talked to him over the phone and we arranged to meet.
When we met he was an older man whereas I was the typical graduate student in his
twenties. Thus, we should not have been friends for we did not belong to the
same generation but somehow I enjoyed talking to him. We actually did not meet,
after the initial encounter, in person to talk but talked over the phone.
Thereafter he told me that he was looking for a job and I got him a job (in
graduate school I was a teaching assistant and also worked in a psychiatric
hospital). After completing my dissertation I left Los Angeles to teach at a
university elsewhere and we lost touch. I had actually not seen Mike in person
until last August when I tracked him down.
The lesson to be drawn from Mike is that
I, too, have a big ego self. I, too, do not want other people to tell me what
to do. I quit jobs to avoid the white man from pushing me around. Because I was
pursuing a big ego self I too failed in the objective world. I too lived to
protect my ego.
Because I did not commit myself to
working in the white man’s world I did not make sufficient money to support my ex-wife
and my children in the manner that my talents suggest that I should have done. I failed those around me (I did not love them
in what Carl Rogers called unconditionally positive manner…I am a critical
person and criticized them a lot…my fault finding is predicated on my
evaluating people with my ideal standards; I judged them not good enough
relative to perfection; I should not have done that for ideals are fantasy;
real people are always imperfect and one must accept them as they are,
imperfect creatures; I did not work my little ass off for their good, as I
should and from now onwards must do).
Unconsciously, I feel like I am a failure.
Feeling like I am a failure I wanted to die. Thus, I stopped exercising, as I
used to do ( I was a compulsive exerciser, ran five miles every other morning
before I went to work, went to the gym twice a week, went to the swimming pool
once a week, rode my bicycle on weekends, played tennis and golf etc.) and ate
like a fool and gained weight. If I continued on that trend I would kill myself
with heart attack or stroke. I was on a fast track to death.
I can reverse the trend of
self-destruction if I find a purpose to live for. Purpose always has to do with
doing things for those around one or working for some goal that transcends ones
ego, such as the pursuit of knowledge (if it is not done for ego fame and
importance).
Feeling like I failed I developed
anger. Hence I would yell at my children upon the slightest mistake on their
part. Instead of going out to make money for them I merely criticized them for
not doing well.
Big ego and its defense always lead to
failure and temper tantrums.
The lesson is for me to give up the
pursuit of the big ego self and accept a humble ego self, actually to give up the
ego altogether. I must give up pursuit
of fame and social importance.
I must, however, not escape into mysticism,
for that is negation of this world; I am interested in understanding this world
but not escaping from it.
One can figure out a realistic line of
work and do it to make tons of money and live humbly in this world. There are
realistic and realizable goals, not the grandiose goals that are not realizable
in the real world that I had pursued (in pursuit of my ego ideal I pursued
ideal work, unrealistic work).
The salient point is that Mike came into my
life for me to learn from his weird personality. Clearly, he was a very smart
man; he had to be smart to have attended Government College Umuahia and the
University of California. I found him very stimulating intellectually (I cannot
talk to anyone whose IQ is not, at least, above average; I would not know what
to say to such person…just think of Mike’s Vagina Mapping Monologues!).
I am supposed to learn from Mike’s
negative aspects for they are in me and correct them and live with what I
cannot change. I certainly do not want to end as he did, dying alone in a
miserable apartment in Santa Monica, California.
I want to die like my beloved
grandfather, Osuji-Njoku did. I was with him when he died in the 1960s (I was
eight years old then). His children and grandchildren were gathered by his
bedside and he talked to us about going to join his illustrious ancestors and
quietly joined them (died). We did not cry for him, for why cry for a man who
lived a full life and lived to great old age, over 90 (he dominated his world
with iron fist; when Osuji-Njoku talked folks listened and that included the
white men in his colonized Africa…the white Nwa-DCs in his area used to quake
in his presence!).
LESSON FOR ALL
PEOPLE
The lesson from Dr. Michael Chike Ozurumba’s
interesting life style is for each of us to live lovingly, to love our real
selves, love other people, work for public good and not devote time to
defending and protecting our big ego selves (as Mike did).
Love is the only thing that makes our
lives worth living. Where there is love there is joy and peace (love, peace and
joy go together; where one is missing others are missing). Without love and
service to other people we are mere animals.
Dr. Ozurumba was an Igbo, a selfish man
who lived for himself. I liked his intellect but could do without his screwed up
personality. I like Igbos capacity for
work but detest their self-centered existence.
The lesson from Michael Chike Ozurumba’s
miserable manner of death is for Igbos to learn to love all people and quit
their egoism. See where egoism gets one of them: death in a California
apartment, and unknown cemetery!
PS: GRIEF AND LOSS PSYCHOLOGY
When the Individual experiences a major
loss in his life (from death, loss of job, divorce, in case of children moving
away from a familiar neighborhood or school etc.) he tends to go through a
grieving process (Dr. Elizabeth Kubla Ross made the process famous in her book,
Death and Dying). The grieving may last
a day, a week, a month, a year or longer (some people may not even recover from
a major loss, such as the loss of a child…women have been known to go into
depression when their children died and never recover from it and eventually
give up hope in living and die). In case you do not know about the grief and
loss process, it has five stages (not necessary in order). They are:
(1) Shock
(2) Denial
(3) Anger
(at the universe, God for doing this to you, asking why me questions)
(4) Depression,
sadness (loss of interest in living, being morose etc.)
(5) Acceptance
(maturity…we do not have control over death and other things must accept them)
Question: At what stage of the grieving
process do you think that the paper “Death in a California apartment†was
written from, anger?
Ozodiobi Nwa Osuji-Njoku
December 11, 2012
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