This is 2016, and we are all going to have to get with the program. We can have conversations about sex, and nobody will die from it. I thinksha.Sex is not food, yeah yeah we know. All my spirikoko people say that, therefore we acknowledge that ahead of this conversation so you al don’t have to remind us. I’m here watching an episode of NCIS and for some random reason I remember this girl I had met in Port Harcourt some years back. So now, boo at that time felt married women were the only ones I ought to hang out with because apparently they are all saints. It was a major issue having single friends then because they were not mature enough, could not advise properly, did not have the right type of experience….yadi..yadi…yah. It was during this period of befriending married girls that I met this very beautiful girl. When I say beautiful, I mean beautiful like she could have been mami water. I’m dead serious. She’s a bit younger than I am, and had married early. Her husband was a Naija-Delta big boy and spoiled this girl with all the best money could buy. I mean she had the latest version of several cars, her house was every woman’s dream home; wardrobe to die for. But her husband was physically humm, hummm, I’m thinking of the right words to use here without disrespecting God’s creation. Let’s just say the man get as he be. Of course the story of why she married him had to do with money. He spotted her while she was still in secondary school and the man intended on dying on top her matter. He sought her parents out and doled out major dough to a family that was struggling with the promise of rehabilitating the entire family. She had no choice but to marry him. She did, bore a daughter for him and decided to focus on finishing her degree in college. One day, my home girl and I met her sitting in the VIP section of a lounge with another man, a hunk of a man, and their hands were in every place but in the air or in their pockets. I wasn’t sure of what to make of the scene as my other friend who introduced us was not shocked at what we walked into. During the course of a few weeks, we always saw her with this same hunk. Apparently she met this hunk of hers at a wedding she attended in Abuja which he also flew in from Port Harcourt for, they had a one night romp in Abuja and the rest they say is history. In short sha, he was servicing her. So one day I had to ask her what was going on because I knew she was married to Oga one kind..one kind. She spoke kindly and full of gratitude about her husband, about how he changed her life, and that of her entire family and she did love him but mehnnnn his penis was like a toothpick. I swear I fell off the stool I was sitting on from laughter because I was not expecting that from her at all. Ohh boy! His penis is like a tooth pick? Did you not know that before you married him? These were questions I asked and she was like the courtship was short, no premarital testing, and the way the man usually tucked his oversize shirt and under shirt in his pants always made it look like there was considerable coverage in that area. I sat looking at her in shock, scratching my weave. I started throwing all manner of solutions to her: couldn’t she have tried different sexual positions, viagra, pump (I wonder if there’s anything that actually physically pumps)? I mean, couldn’t she just lay there and imagine it was Idris Elba with a cucumber that was on top of her? There had to be something she could have done besides having a “service friend”? Usually when I hear of major indiscretions like this I try to be neutral, so I tried putting myself in her shoes – not judging, and also ask myself is sex really that serious? Especially if you have a spouse that is great in all other areas, would I be bold enough to have a utility service man if my husband’s penis could be likened to a tooth pick? I mean God forbid bad thing abeg. (Dear God, please don’t let this be my portion, because of all these things I write… I beg you.) But on a more serious note, is it really that bad? Does the size of a penis really matter? Would you creep on your man if he had a toothpick instead of a cucumber? You know how some people say the size doesn’t really matter, it’s what the owner can do with it that matters. Can anyone please validate this? If your man were to be a great person but this was his one shortcoming, couldn’t you just live with it? Abi God forbid bad thing for you too?
Seun Akinlosotu: Toothpick or Cucumber! Does Size Really Matter?